Quantcast
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 10

Speaking engagement.

I knew it would be a change to go from a large company, where I oversaw a team of six, to a startup with an annual operating budget that’s only slightly higher than the average budget for a junior high presentation of My Fair Lady.  But it really has been a learning experience.  By the end of my long tenure at my last company, I was ordering my employees to go out and get haircuts on my behalf. Now?  I have to do everything myself.

ME: We’re launching our new site in two weeks!  We need to record videos of our high-tech widget!

THEY: Great.  What’s your plan?

ME: I know several vendors who can do the job!

THEY: Do they work for free?

ME: ....no.

(THEY drop a video recording and editing software package on my desk.)

THEY: Congratulations, Spielberg.

(LATER)

ME: The videos are done!  Now we need voice talent to record the audio tracks!

THEY: Great. What’s your plan?

ME: I’ll hire Kate Beckinsale!  She has the sultry, sensuous style that’s needed to truly differentiate our high-tech widget in the marketplace.

THEY: And how much does Kate Beckinsale cost?

ME: I think I can negotiate her down to two mil.  Actually, I hear she’ll do it for one mil if you don’t force her to wear her leather jumpsuit from the Underworld movies during the recording.

THEY: Given that our budget for voice talent is zero, we advise you to start doing diaphragm exercises.

ME: Me?  Do the voice work? I’m not a professional voice artist.

THEY: Just do your normal speaking voice.

ME: But my normal speaking voice is a falsetto that intermittently breaks out into the chorus of “No You Girls” by Franz Ferdinand.

THEY: Perfect!  Just be sure to enunciate.

This is going to take some getting used to.


Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 10

Trending Articles